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| Together Forever | #1 | ||||||||||
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This takes place during and after AV1 enjoy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Te'ijal POV: Today there is new member of our group a cute but delusional knight named Galahad who wants to be Rhen's champion.When we were dealing with those thief's who tried to kill the king and got to be teamed up with Galahad I saw that he is quite strong and has a good build to him but as soon as he saw me he said "get away from me demon spawn".Aw he is so sweet and definitely will be a good challenge for me. When we found out it was Lord Gelmar or Gaslin or whatever his name was he said I'll rip out his heart I thought to say let me help or let me do it for you.But Then Rhen beat me to it and told him to calm down.Well he has some potential to be evil even just a little. After we told the king that whats his name was behind it he congratulated Galahad and said nothing to us meanwhile I was regretting the loss of an interesting human not that my companions aren't but Rhen is too sweet,Lars too obnoxious, Dameon is too wimpy,Elini is more like me and can be a friend if not that we are from different species but Galahad amuses me. My thoughts are interrupted by Galahad himself saying "on the condition I become the girl's champion" and Rhen saying "I'm a sword singer I can use magic I don't need a champion" "Good maiden under the sun there is no such thing as magic" he said. Rhen didn't say anything but looked around to everyone's face. Lars was angry that the paladin didn't believe in magic, Dameon showed no emotion like he was bored and Elini was sizing him up seeing if he would make a good husband. sorry i thought but this one is mine as rhen looked at me i nodded then she said yes Now that foolish paladin will be mine
Posted on: 2012/3/24 22:34
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Jack-She looks tasty. Kyra do you want a sip? Kyra-How many times do I have to say no until it gets into your tiny bat brain Jack-7,094,682 times Kyra-shut up jack or I swear I'll pour a bottle of holy water down your throat Jack-touchy,touchy |
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| Re: Together Forever | #2 | ||||||||||
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"Rhen is TOO sweet"? Lol, I think she's not that much...she's sourly sweet.
![]() Is this one shot or you continuing? ![]()
Posted on: 2012/3/25 0:40
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![]() Couple avvie and siggie set with An
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| Re: Together Forever | #3 | ||||||||||
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It's good, very canon, but I get the feeling of it being a bit...abrupt. Tei'jal meets Galahad, love at first sight? Or maybe that's just me. Also, as Meroko said, Rhen TOO sweet? ... Um. Well, while I like the interactions, I think punctuation is a definite must. I've read wonderful stories, memorable and amazing, but even if they are cute, the lack of punctuation in some of them is...well, undesirable. However, I'd love to see more of this. Is it a oneshot or a multichapter?
Posted on: 2012/3/25 4:28
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Enemy, familiar friend My beginning and my end Broken truth, whispering lies And it hurts again |
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| Re: Together Forever | #4 | ||||||||||
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As Diamondmist said, your grammar and punctuation really need work. When I read a story, I want to get into the world, and when I see errors all over the place I get thrown out of the world.
It's also too short. I'd like some more development, more conversation between Te'ijal and Galahad. For one thing, him saying, "Get away from me demon spawn!" seems like something he'd say after he's already met her. When he first meets her, I imagine that first he'd be extremely shocked that these good people are traveling with a vampire. He might even try to defend the others from her or something and then get disgusted when he finds out she's with them. In short, it has potential, but the grammar needs work and it would be better if it were fleshed out more.
Posted on: 2012/3/26 11:02
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"Don't worry, foolish paladin. I just borrowed your soul for eternity." "What a nice kitchen. Galahad, let's have dinner." My game reviewing blog! This week: Azada. |
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| Re: Together Forever | #5 | ||||||||||
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Ditto the above two. You should really-elly be careful with grammar, and minor mistakes are okay but punctuation...really is -
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Posted on: 2012/3/26 11:24
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![]() Couple avvie and siggie set with An
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