That's very nice
Thanks again.
And I'm going to update soon (that is if I can get my hand on my friend's laptop - If not...then I dunno... I'm going on holiday at my grandparents house and I don't have a computer there... Yeah.. I know - not cool...)

~Thinking about the past~

I looked at my hands searching for any traces of ashes. Bu I didn’t find any of those. My hands were white like bleached bones and with no scars or marks. Perfect! I could still feel the necks of the two guards breaking in my hands. And then, the stake that went straight through their hearts. That’s the problem with the immortals: When you become a vampire, you are indestructible. But when a wooden stake goes through your heart – Poof! You die and there is nothing you can do about it. I have had my fare share of years living as a vampire and I do not recall the time when I was human. Perhaps I was born this way.
However I still feel something different, strange when I feed on my victims. A feeling I do not wish to think that it is mine but it may be. The same feeling pushed me to turn Galahad into one of us: a vampire. His eternal suffering is suffocating. Not to mention that it is such a great amusement. I am over 800 years old. And, for immortals, power comes with age. The older you are, the stronger you’ll get. I smiled. Because of Galahad, I have not killed a single human in 300 years.
I heard some noises in the Woods to the East. I smiled again, then I started to run at full speed. Two and a half seconds later, I was standing next to Galahad, who was fighting three skeleton guards…again…
“Dear husband, what are you doing?”
“Leave me be, spawn of darkness! I have nothing to say to you!” he said with his voice trembling of anger and exhaustion.
“Your suicide mission won’t work, dear husband. You can’t die…You’re already dead!”
“And I have you to thank for, right? Stole my soul, trick me into marry you only to have me turned into this? I should stake right this instance!” he shouted.
“Don’t be stupid. You can’t possibly stake your maker! Even if you could… If you kill me, all the vampires that I have turned will die along with me. And it so happens that you are the only one that I have turned. That means you’ll die!”
“Better dead than this!”
“How you jest.” I laughed. “Let me help you… And then, you and I need to talk.” I said.

A few minutes later, Galahad destroyed the last skeleton, while I finished ripping mine. The first one ran away. I took the shield and a few arrows that I found lying on the ground.

Yayz, an update finally! I saw a typo error in the first line though. ^^'

Hm, this one's a bit too short, lol.

Sudden perspective shift! I think I just got a whiplash. For a fanfic this is okay, because we know we shift to Te'ijal in-game.

English errors ahoy! I'm going to go all editory here. Pardon me.

Quote:
What is that "Although" doing there? It does not fit the sentence. And be careful with punctuation. Also, "living LIKE a vampire"? She IS one. it should say "as" instead of "like". Sentence would look better like this:
I have had my fare share of years living as a vampire and I do not recall the time when I was human. Perhaps I was born this way.


Quote:
Again with the "although". It should not be there. Are you sure you know what the word means? "However" would make a better choice. Fragmented sentences look clunky too. This is Te'ijal. You've been writing her as having this sophisticated way of speaking. Broken sentences does not gel. Optional sentence rewrite:However, I still feel something different and strange when I feed on my victims. A feeling I do not wish to think that it is mine, but deep down I know that it is.

Quote:

"His eternal suffering is suffocating"? Yikes! That does not sound nice. Is this supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing? If in your mind Te'ijal would use the word "suffocating" as something wonderful, do indicate so.

Feeding on humans = killing them. If human is not dead after being bitten, the become vampires. That is how the Aveyond canon works.

It's a bit arrogant for Te'ijal to claim she's one of the oldest. Heavens knows when the first vampires spawned, and, considering people already existed since more than 2500 years before AV3, there's no telling that vampires don't exist then too.

I hope I don't come across as mean when i say this, but if you don't intend to follow the rules of the original universe, do mention it. A short disclaimer like "this is my own interpretation of Aveyond, so things may be slightly different". If not stated, I will come into the thread expecting things to work the way it does in the canon.

@Meroko: It's just a fragment of this chapter as I can't bring myself to make some time to write the full one. But.. I suppose this is better than nothing.


@Daeva_agas : Well...for some time I thought that I won't write the chapters where Te'ijal is the narrator but... I like Te'ijal too much for this.
On the other hand, writing from Te'ijal's perspective is a bit tricky...and difficult as I have to think of some expresions that an undead would say... So yeah... I'm not very good at this so far.



@Too all: I apologize if I make some writing mistakes or some grammar mistakes. This happens when you are from a foreign country (Romania, by the way).

I know. My English ain't that great either. That is why I came back and fixed your mistakes (the best I could anyway). That's how I learned. From people pointing out the errors in my stuff.

In case you missed my edit because you posted while I was still typing, check my earlier post.

We also have different ideas of how things ought to work in Aveyond-land, so I brought it up in my edit too.

(Off-topic) @Emma: Wow, you're from Romania? That's great :3 Lots of Romania 'round in AM.

Yup. We all love Amaranth Games


Update!
I posted the next part of the chapter below. Enjoy!

“You said you wanted to talk. Talk!” he said angry.
I hesitated… I needed to find a way to make him help me. He was of no help if I forced him to help. Of course…
“How would you feel if your precious humans would be in slavery for eternity?” I asked.
“You speak nonsense! “
“Not if my brother has his way. We must stop him!”
“WE, must do nothing! He is your brother, you deal with him!”
“Have you not heard what I just said? He is going to enslave humanity!”
“I don’t believe anything you say, Spawn of Darkness!” he shouted.
I thought “This is not taking us anywhere…”
“Come with me!” I said.
“Come with you where?” he asked cautious.
“I need you to believe me!” He tried to interrupt me but I lifted my right hand – something that humans do – and continued. “Now I know that you will not trust anything I say, so I’m going to prove it to you. Come with me to the Chapel. You will see there.”
I could already hear the vampires gathering. Fortunately for us, only Marcello knew that I was home… And he owed me. I mean, after all, I helped him find that witch that he is so in love with. We rushed to the chapel only to find it full with vampires and of course, my brother standing next to a pedestal covered by a white sheet . I trembled in anger when I heard his voice. I don’t know why he has this sort of effect on me… Maybe we were meant to hate each other for eternity.
“Fellow vampires!” he said. “The time has come to take over the World. Too long have we, one the most powerful creatures that have ever walked on this land, been ruled by some weak and vulnerable creatures: Mortals. Why have we not taken over them until now? Out of respect for mortals? They mean nothing to us, nor can they compare their powers with ours. They are merely food.”
“But Gyendal, they have the Sun and their stars to protect them. We are the weak ones in the Overworld.” said Vladimir.
“We will not have to worry for them for much longer. I have discovered a way to make the mortals bow at out feet. I have discovered a way to plunge the world into eternal darkness!” he said, obviously satisfied.
“How!” asked Vivienne.
“A few years ago, I discovered a journal of a human sorcerer named Mordred Darkthrop. He created two orbs : The Orb of Light and The Orb of Darkness, and put a spell on them so that only someone with Darkthrop blood could remove them from their resting place. Then years later, I discovered a trace of a human girl. Just a few days ago, I acquired The Orb of Darkness. The fool girl gave it to me!”
“You have killed her, then?” asked Vivienne again.
“Unfortunately something came up and she escaped. But not before she handed it over.”
Saying that, he turned to the pedestal and removed the sheet that was covering it. The Orb started to glow.
“What a pretty crystal. And what a deadly crystal…” I thought. The vampires started to whisper while they were looking at The Orb.
“What about the other Orb? The Orb of Light? What if the humans bring it here to destroy us?” asked Vladimire.
“I have discovered its location and killed it’s guardian. It is of no threat for us.” said Gyendal after a second of hesitation.
“We know enough. Let’s leave before someone sees us!” whispered Galahad in my left ear.
We sneaked outside the Chapel. I turned to Galahad.
“Now you believe me? Will you help me?”
“For the humans, I shall fight!”
“Come then…” I said while I started to run. He easily kept up.

waiting.......waiting........
:-|

Sorry.. but I'm a bit busy with school and I'm trying to get my driving license(hope that's the right spelling)

But I will update this week...

actually,its licence.XD .....(u sure its'diving' license ,not driving licence?)

~Spy vs. Spy~




Time passes when you’re having fun. Or so they say. The truth is that I had fun. For three moths I studied under Gray. Those were the best days of my life. I had to do several training missions and Professor Gray was very pleased with me. He said I was doing very well and that soon he will have an important mission for me.
Living at the Academy was very good. Being Gray’s student, I didn’t have to wear a uniform and since I used to be a thief, my clothes were perfect for spying. Inevitably, every day I had to see Edward. He pestered me for a few weeks before I agreed to befriend him. He was always in trouble and I had so much fun watching him as he tried to explain to Headmaster Ulaf his actions. Like the time he brought a couple of frogs inside the school because someone said that he’s not man enough to touch a frog. But it turned out to be poisonous frogs those that he brought and so he got all purple. His teacher took him to the temple to be healed. I got really worried although I didn’t tell him and when he asked me I said I was not concerned because I knew that he would be okay. I waited at the temple until he got better. It was a long hour. And I felt guilty because… well… I was the one who told him to grab the frogs…
At school it was forbidden for students to talk about rank. Most followed this rule but a few, especially Lydia Rupert made sure to remember us that they belonged to the noble families and that they were better than the rest of us. I hated Lydia from the first moment that I saw her, Or should I say, from the first moment that I didn’t saw her…
I was running late for school, as usual, when I bumped into a green haired girl. I mumbled “sorry” and kept running but she said:
“Eww, it touched me!”
I stopped and turned. Then I said:
“Excuse me?”
“Are you talking to me? Who gave you permission to talk to me commoner?”
“And you are…?” I said ignoring her stupid question.
“My name is Lydia Rupert. And I am of royal blood!”
“Like I care…”
Her face turned red. She waited a moment to calm down and then she said:
“You look like a ratty thing. Do yourself a favor and go away!”
“With pleasure your stupidity!”
Then I turned and walked away.
Later, I found out that Lydia made it her business to find out who everyone at school was and to categorize us into favorable and unfavorable groups. Fortunately for me, I was highly unfavorable to her.

But I wasn’t going to let Lydia, or anyone else for that matter, to mess with my life. I was way too happy for that.

In the morning I went to see Professor Gray. When I entered the Academy I saw Edward who was just cleaning his practice sword.
“Morning Edward!”
“Good morning Mel! You’d better hurry or you’ll be late again.” He said laughing.
“Gee, thanks for reminding me.” I said ironically and started to walk faster.
“Bye Mel!” he said amused.

I entered Gray’s office.
“You’re late… as usual…” he said.
“You know… there’s a good reason for my delay!” I tried to tell him.
“It doesn’t matter. I have a job for you, like I promised.”
“Okay… What?”
“Some time ago I received a rather disturbing tip. Someone is trying to sell military secrets. Worse, I believe it could be one of the nobles. Find out who is doing that and report back to me.”
“And how am I to do that?”
“There is going to be a ball tonight. It’s the perfect alibi.”
“So I should sneak it through a window and keep an eye from above?”
“No, I need you to blend in, ask question and look for anyone who is acting strange. You will go undercover as one of the guests.”
“What? What are you talking about? I am so not going dressed in a noble. I hate nobles and I’m not going to pretend to be one.” I shouted.
“A good spy does not pick his roles. He is good at all of them. Will you do it?”
“…Fine! I’ll do it although I’m not going to like this.”
“Very well! Here! Take this ticket and this note to Lia. Go and find a shop called <<The Thread and Needle>>. Tell her that I sent you. Go now! I believe you have some shopping to do!” he said amused.
“Yeah right…” I mumbled.

This was going to a long day. I was actually hoping that nobody would see me into that shop. It’s embarrassing.
But when I entered the shop SURPRISE!!! Lydia…

“I suppose this gown will do! Deliver it to my father’s estate. NOW!” she said. Or should I say she demanded.
“Right away milady!” said the shopkeeper who I guessed, was Lia.

Then Lydia noticed me.
“What are you doing here street rat?” she asked with an annoying voice.
“Mmm… just browsing.”
“Well don’t get too comfy. You couldn’t afford anything in here even if you wanted to.” she said and then she left.

I ignored her and asked the shopkeeper:
“Are you Lia? I have a note for you from Professor Gray.”
She took the note and then she said:
“Ah, I see.” then she went next to a red gown. She looked at me and said:
“This will do. Would you like to put it on now or should I send it to your house?”
“Um… Send it please! I live at Apartment 2B in the Lamplight District” I answered quickly.
“I will have someone deliver it today.”
“Thank you!” I said and then I left home.

Half an hour later someone came with the dress. It was pretty. Red. Too red…
“How in the name of the goddess am I supposed to wear this thing? It looks hideous.”
And to make thing worse I just received a pair of red, high heels shoes – compliments of Professor Gray.
I was so angry that I felt like hitting something. Maybe ripping Lydia’s head off…
I spend the afternoon thinking about ways of crushing Lydia. Then, at twilight I got dressed – it looked even more hideous on me – and then I went to the palace. The steward asked for my ticket and then I entered.

Finished! This will probaly be one of my last chapters for now as I'm leaving town next week...

*pinches nose* Hoo boy, Te'ijal sure is one tough cookie to write. Before I rant about Te'ijal, two things:
1) The orb does not glow unless Mel touches it
2) The Mel chapter is good.

Moving on.

People could stand on opposite sides and not hate each other guts. I would understand if Te'ijal is boiling with anger after Gyendal tried to kill her, but before that... That whole "For some reason just hearing his voice made me mad. Maybe it's meant to be" is lazy writing. I come read a retelling expecting a more in-depth elaboration on the characters that the game did not give me. If you do not explain why Te'ijal hates Gyendal, then I might as well just go play the game and get more out of it. Maybe it's just me and my being big on close family ties, but unless they did something you really really are mad about, you don't hate their guts for no reason.

I mean, Te'ijal is NOT MEL. Canon never mentions that Te'ijal hates Gyendal specifically, just that she doesn't like what he's doing. see how Te'ijal said "I don't want to kill you" to Gyendal when he first tried to kidnap Mel. If you're going to say that Te'ijal and Gyendal hates each other, it might be better you at least say something like "Maybe he did something in the past that I can't remember" or mention some kind of feud the two once had.

Well you've just ruined my next chapter...
You know.. I wanted to write in the next chapter as he story goes back to Te'ijal something about their past...

I didn't ruin anything because I didn't expect anything It's not like I leaked whatever your secret is. It's one thing to say "oh yeah, there's going to be flashback next chapter", which is pretty much what just happened, and it's entirely a different thing to say "HEY GUYS, this is what's gonna happen next in the story!".

I mean, did you even remember what you yourself wrote? Te'ijal was saying "Hearing his voice makes me mad for some unknown reason. Oh well, maybe it's fated to be this way". Then you reveal your WERE actually going to write a flashback. It's not my fault I made a wrong conclusion. If you wanted a segue to a flashback, but keep it still somewhat secretive, you could have Te'ijal narrate something like "Hearing that oh-so-smug voice brought back memories of THAT time and I feel my anger rise". Then reveal whatever the issue was in a future chapter.

Consider this a writing lesson I'm not trying to kill your joy.

of course

I just wanted to make it a surprise and write a lost memory


And... just another surprise...(well since I'm telling you this it's no longer a surprise) I'm going to write a chapter from Gyendal's point of view... It's going to be a tough one to write so I expect some comments to help me out

I LOVE the fact that you are writing aveyond... You could end up with a bestseller if you keep up
KEEP WRITING!!!!

Thanks a lot!
Love that you read it