I finally decided to post a blog entry, so maybe someone can tell me what is going on. I posted this just now, but it disappeared.

I get into huge troubles a lot in school for things that I barely remember doing. Maybe I'm too hotheaded, or something. But it's true that the nightmare just goes on. When I meet up with just one bit of happiness, I would think "I hope this goes on just a bit longer" but they never do. So maybe sometimes I just get too drastic, or something. That can explain why I don't remember well.

Like for example, I slashed a classmate (I don't think I can call them classmates) some time in May this year. With a penknife, and I barely remembered anything. There are many gaps and holes in my memory, and I don't remember lashing out or anything - just standing there, shocked, at the cuts (not deep, thankfully) on my cowering classmate's arm. I got into huge trouble, got thrown to the psychologist, etc. I insisted that I really don't remember, but they weren't taking any of it. And they labeled me a sociopath. I know I'm not. Sociopaths don't have feelings, and they are worth all the sympathy in the world.

Another strange thing was how the horde of papers and bags of coal and plastic bags in the basement 2 carpark of my church got set on fire. I didn't have a lighter or a match with me at all, but the church staff were really angry, asking me where I've disposed of it. I don't think it was me.

And last Sunday, I skipped church to go to the basement 2 carpark, and there was a heat in my chest that refused to go away, and it wasn't physical, that I was sure. My eyes were full of tears, and I tried to quench the anger, the fire, by turning on the tap used to wash cars with and drenching myself completely. The carpark was empty, I remembered. It was a hot place, and the heat refused to go away. It was so painful. I cried. The floor was dusty and I ended up going back all soaked and dusty. I couldn't explain why. Not that I didn't want to - but I couldn't. I just didn't know what happened.

Edit: I just hope it's nothing serious...