I really, really, don't understand anymore.

It's scary really, how people change so quickly and so fast. I knew that when I was young, I was a stupid, young, senseless, idiotic, carefree little girl.

I want to turn back into a stupid, young, senseless, idiotic, carefree little girl. Because no matter what they say, those were the best days of my life. However stupid I was now that I looked back, everything back then was much, much better.

Strange how the future looks so dark but the past that you can never ever returned to looks as bright as a rainbow. It sickens me so much. When I was in P4-P6, I was mostly happy. Though I got into stupid troubles like hitting people with staplers or forging my behavioural tracking record, I was mostly happy. Those were perhaps the best days of my life. The best days of my life that I can actually remember. Before then, I was so different a person I could no longer feel what I was back then. It's like I've transformed into a completely different being in a short span of a few years.

In Secondary 1, last year, I was mostly sad. Back then, if you asked me for what I wanted... I would've replied, "I want to be my best, to make use of my potential to the fullest." It seems as if back then I was so... pure. And then darkness sets in.

This year, I think I've become so empty. Stranger and stranger things are beginning to happen, and the pure, sorrowful sadness that I've once felt had morphed into wild fear, anger and bitter revenge. I would hurt the people who've caused me to suffer. At the beginning of this year, I even created a fake form and placed them into each class claiming to be the teachers collecting parents' phone numbers, names and emails... And I used them to my advantage, and even though I did not know of the consequences I felt such wild happiness it feels inhumane. I wanted to hurt them like they've hurt me. I won't stand this.

And for once - studies, everything, now mean nothing to me. Only revenge matters now. Because that happiness is so good, I just want to feel it again.

It feels so wrong. It's like I'm long gone. Or maybe I'm still here, consumed by some unknown emotion, and I'm posting this screaming for help, help.

I don't know what's real and what's not anymore. Everything's just like a dream. So I tried to keep myself happy, carefree - by using the computer, going on the internet, sleeping, playing piano... And whenever I slip into this more human state, I feel oddly relieved.

And occasionally, I feel so guilty. I feel so depressed. And this is one of those times, so I'm posting this.

I don't think I can every cry anymore. The tears seem to have dried out a long time ago.